In which I share a piece of my heart.
Okay, this post is going to be half about writing, and half about me. I’m sorry to do that, but I feel like I was supposed to share this. Let’s start out by saying I’m having major writers block and it is the first day of CampNaNoWriMo. I’ve committed to writing 16.200 words this month and I’m staring at a blank page.
Last Sunday I watched a sermon about letting go of everything in our lives, and letting God run them instead of us and I realized something, I’m clutching to my writing, desperately.
I feel like it’s my lifeline. The only thing I’m accomplishing right now. As I attempt to give it all to God, to let him tell me whether I should continue on my path of writing or not I find I’m so scared I cannot write. I’m so terrified that now that I have given my writing to God, he will take it away, even if he gives me something better in its place. I’m scared. I know God has what is best for me in store for me, but at the moment, I’m waiting. Waiting to sort through all the messed up thoughts and figure out what God wants me to do with my writing. I feel like I’m caught holding my breath, just anticipating the moment when I will know what I should do.
I’m sure y’all know the feeling, it’s like right before someone tells you what grade you got, if you won a contest, or maybe when you’re waiting for a friend to call, and the phone rings. It’s every moment, waiting for the phone to ring, and it finally rings, you get excited, you think you might finally be hearing from your friend, then it’s not them. That’s how I feel all the time right now.
I don’t know if any of y’all have struggled with this, but if you have, comment below and tell me about it. Pain shared is halved.
I will be back on the 15’th hopefully with another update.
Thanks for reading.
P.S. As is becoming a habbit with me, here is a poem I wrote on the subject.
There is a battle inside of me.
And I don’t know what the outcome will be.
I thought I had fought this before
This battle inside of me, a raging war.
It’s a war not unfamiliar to us all,
About weather my dreams will rise or fall.
I want to clutch them like a set of fake beads
But I have to let go and follow where God leads.
I try every day to let go of my dreams
And give it to God, no matter how hard it seems.
But I want to hold onto it so bad
I want it more than anything I’ve ever had.
And this battle is still raging inside of my soul,
Sooner or later, it is going to take its toll.
I cannot keep living between life and death like this
Never knowing what opportunity’s I might miss.
I’m praying that God gives me peace very soon
Before all the rest of my life is a ruin.
I want this battle inside of me to go away,
And in its place, peace would stay.